I Need You
by WritingMonkey
Summary: Followup of sorts to Can You Just Hold Me? Ashley is struggling with something internally, Spencer wants to help but doesn't know how. Will they be able to grow closer or will they just drift further apart?
1. Chapter 1

**_Note: A continuation of sorts from Can You Just Hole Me? Let me know what you think, continue, don't continue? All responses appreciated._**

Ashley's POV

"Spence?"

"Yeah?"

I wasn't sure what I really wanted to say. I didn't know why exactly but I didn't want to go out today, and for me, that's weird.

"Hey, do you think maybe we can just hang out here today? I know we had planned on going out to the beach and stuff, but do you mind if we take a rain check on that?"

"Sure, but why? I mean, are you feeling okay? Is something wrong?"

"No. I don't know, I don't feel like talking much right now. I just want to relax some okay?"

"No problem. So lets get our relax on."

Sometimes she could be so cheesy, but I love her for it. I don't know why I was being so distant and down. My heart just wasn't in going out today. It kind of scared me a little. But I have Spencer here with me; I know I can always count on her. I just hope I can figure out what to tell her when she asks me what's going on, because I know her and she will ask again at some point. I don't want to be a bitch to her, and I don't want to lie. So I guess I better try and do something that has never come naturally for me – get in touch with my emotions. Man that sounds so tedious.

Almost an hour after just laying about in front of the TV and she speaks again.

"So Ash, are you sure there's nothing wrong. You can tell me, you know. It's okay; I won't judge you or push you away."

And there it is. See, I knew she would ask again. Do I know this girl or what? But back to the point, I have to figure out an answer, and I have no idea what to say.

"Spence, I'm fine, really."

She gave me that look; you know the one, with the little head tilt to accompany it. It love the way she does that. She looks so sincere and sad at the same time. I know she wants me to open up, but how can I when I don't even really know what's going on? So I decide to level with her.

"Alright, yes, something's wrong. But I don't exactly know what it is. I mean, it's totally nothing to do with you or us; I don't want to alarm you. It's just, I feel like, I don't know. Damn! Why does this have to be so hard?"

"Calm down Ash, I can see how much this is tearing you apart. So if it really is like you say it is, then I'll believe you. And I won't push it until you can figure out whatever it is you're trying to say. But just know that no matter what it is, I'm here for you, and I will always be. Not even the great Ashley Davies has the power to get me to leave this couch right now. So let's just continue our lazy day, and we'll talk later. I may not like it, but at least we're here, together, and there are no major life problems for us to be concerned about, right?"

"Right, I knew there was a reason I love you so much. How is it that you can be so understanding? If it were me I would be going crazy with frustration and wondering just what it was you had to say. But I promise you, as soon as I figure it out, I will tell you."

"Good, that's all I wanted to hear. And to tell you the truth, it might bother me a little, but it'll pass. Now, how did that guy get that thingy? Did I miss something or didn't that other dude have it before?"

"I don't know, just shut up and watch the movie, Spence."

I tossed a pillow at her and then she just took it and used it to make herself more comfortable, obviously making me jealous that she was now leaning away from me. She had this sweet smile across her face, basically taunting me because I had given up my head rest to throw at her. So I did the only logically thing I could do, I used her body as my pillow.

I snuggled up close to her, rested my head on her stomach and she startled running her fingers through my hair. God, I love it when she does that, it just makes me melt. I already knew I wasn't going to be watching the movie, and this was just another distraction. But now I had to get back to my thoughts, try and figure out what was bothering me. I hate feeling like I'm pushing Spencer away like this. And I know it hurts her too, when I can't tell her things, when I can't open up like she does to me. But there's just something about this girl that makes me want to work on myself. Why, I will never know, but I do know I have never felt this was about another person before, and even though it's new and scary, I want to hold on to it for dear life. I love her that much.

Spencer's POV

I wish Ashley was able to talk to me. I know she has a hard time in the emotion department. I mean, just look at her mother, how could anyone survive that woman through childhood and not be a little screwed up?

"I don't know, just shut up and watch the movie, Spence."

God, I love it when she calls me Spence. And see, of course I'm smiling now that she's snuggled up next to me, completely ignoring the fact that she just told me to shut up. But I know there was not malice behind her words, they were full of playfulness and warmth, with a little trace of sadness.

I know she feels bad about not being able to communicate like she wants to. And I know she wishes she could, and also wishes things didn't have to be so hard. But that's life, and if anyone can survive it, it's Ashley Davies. Sometimes when I'm with her, I can't help but think about the little I do know about her growing up, I know no one was really there for her. So she did what she had to in order to make it through. It's just sad that those walls still need to remain. I know she feels like she needs them, and I know that she wishes she could let me in completely, but she can't. And for some reason I can deal with that.

God help me, I love this girl so much. I know the pain she's been through and I know it will take time. So for her, I have all the time in the world, and even though it may be frustrating, hell it can be so annoying, I will always be here for her, because I really would rather be here with Ashley, even if we weren't talking, than anywhere else in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ashley, hey, sleepy head, come on, let's get you to bed."

Spencer really didn't want to wake the brunette, but the position there were in on the couch was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and the movie was long over. If she thought for one second that Ashley looked like she was sleeping comfortably, she wouldn't have even thought of waking her up, but she looked just about as awkward as she did, it was amazing she could actually sleep.

"Spence?"

"Yeah, come on, you need to get to bed."

A sudden panic flashed across the brunettes face, with such intensity not only did Spencer notice, but it worried her.

"What, Ashley, what's wrong, talk to me."

There was a moment of silence that stretched on a little too long for Spencer's like, but she waited patiently nevertheless. Perplexed as to what could have frightened the other girl so, she became confused and unsettled as a rash of thoughts swam through her head.

"_What if she wants to break up with me? No, that's stupid, she loves you, no, she wouldn't do that. But she's been distant lately, hasn't been talking to you. It could be anything. I'm probably over reacting, yeah, that's it. Oh, God, what if it's not?"_

"…Right, Spencer, you're not?"

"Sorry, Ash, what?"

"You're not leaving me right? Please don't go, I don't want to be alone."

A slow wave of guilt washed over her as did relief. And then that transformed into a slight pain for the other girl, and a need to take care of and protect her. She just wanted to wash away all of the fear and doubt in Ashley's life, but she didn't know how.

"Of course I'm not going to leave you Ash. I would never leave you. Come on, let's go to bed, and maybe in the morning you could take some more? Its okay if not, just remember, I'm here for you, and whether it be for the night or for the time to come, I'll be here. I'm not leaving. I love you way too much."

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* * *

The soft light shone through the window as morning fell upon the world. As a few stray rays peeked over to the sleeping bodies on the bed, a low groan filled the room as a hand came up to shield eyes from light. At this action, realizing she wasn't alone, the brunette sat bolt upright in bed wondering just what was going on. It took a few moments for her memory to come to her, and then slowly rested herself back down, just as an arm wrapped over her protectively, murmuring something about being cold. She couldn't help but smile at the sleeping form next to her. But then realization hit her, the uneasiness, the confusion, and she knew, just then, that she still had yet to figure out her conundrum. What to do, what to do?

"Hey, how'd you sleep?"

"Hmmm, oh fine Spence, just fine. Thank you for staying with me. I know your mom will probably pitch a fit, but it means a lot to me."

"Don't worry about it, I'm where I want to be, I'm healthy, happy, and with you. As far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters, let my mother rant and rave, I tune her out anyway."

"Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you, I mean how did I get so lucky?"

"One, yes, you definitely are lucky, so am I by the way. And two, you do deserve me, so much, you make me so happy, and you deserve to be happy too. I hope that I can make you that happy."

"You do."

By mid-afternoon, slight boredom was setting in. Ashley had yet to figure out what to say, and Spencer had yet to push, much to the brunette's appreciation. After lying in bed most of the morning, just laying close to each other and cuddling, the two had watched some TV, ate, and now were wondering what else to do on this lazy Saturday. Neither really wanted to go out, so aside from the regular time killing stuff they had already done, they were now searching to move on to the next mindless activity.

"Spencer, would you do something for me?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Will you take a bath with me?"

The biggest smile spread across her face, but Spencer had to control herself from not saying out loud any of the million of dirty thoughts that just ran through her mind.

"_Out of the gutter Spence, behave, bad brain, bad."_

She knew there was no sexual reasoning behind Ashley's statement. Sure, she would love it if there was, but she knew the way the brunette had been feeling lately, and the way she spoke told her it was out of a fear of being alone, out of the need for her to be there with her, that she had asked this question. The sincerity of the question touched her, and even though she knew she would say yes, she couldn't help but smile lovingly at the other girl just a bit longer, only now the smile had softened to a more delicate and understanding smile than that of a sex crazed teenager about to see her girlfriend naked.

"Of course I will, come on, let's see if you have any bubble bath stuff."


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer sat behind Ashley in the tub, cradling her as they both soaked and relaxed in the warm bubble bath. They had sat in compatible silence for nearly five minutes when Ashley finally broke in and began to speak.

"Spence, do you ever feel like it'll never be enough?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, no matter what you do, no matter how happy someone tries to make you, no matter how much money you have or how much stuff you have, that none of it, nothing will ever make you feel whole?"

"Maybe, sometimes, I know I felt kind of empty before I moved here. I was sad all time, I was depressed. And then after I met you, it was like a missing piece had been found, and I felt happy, for the first time in a long time."

"Me too, I was so glad when we became friends, and then when we got together, I thought my heart would explode, it was so much and I had never felt that way before. And believe me, you make me happier than I think I've ever been. Bu then lately – and I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you – I've just been feeling kind of crappy. Like nothing I do will change that, that I can't fight it or make it better, that I won't be that happy again, and I don't understand it."

"Have I ever told you that I take an anti-depressant everyday? It keeps me leveled out I guess. I don't really talk about it that much, but before you knew me, I was really depressed, so much so that I had to start taking meds to help me get better. I think they help me. I don't feel as bad as I did, but I think you have helped me too, more so than the meds. But I take them because I had, sometimes still have, a lot of things running through my head, kind of what you're describing to me."

"So you think maybe I'm sick?"

"Not sick, just that maybe with the death of your father, the absence of support around for most of your life, and just some general stuff, maybe it's all catching up to you. I think sometimes we need more help than we would like to admit, and yeah, maybe me taking meds means I am sick, but I think of it more as something that aids me to get back to what I was. Maybe you just need a little help, you hold so much in Ashley, and I know you're trying to let your walls down, but maybe you need more than just me."

"Maybe, thank you for sharing that with me Spencer. I had no idea, and I don't think you're sick. Gosh, there's so much we don't know about each other, it's kind of scary, but at the same time I like discovering something new about you. You're my everything Spence, you know that? I don't think I would have survived these last few months without you."

"I'm glad I was here, and I always will be. And whatever you decide to do, I will support you, and be there every step of the way. But right now, I think we should get out of the tub, you're getting all pruney, it's a little gross."

"Spencer Carlin, how could you say such a thing. I thought you loved me?"

"I do Ashley, more than I know how to express, come on, the waters starting to get cold anyway."

"Yeah yeah."

Uncertain of whether what Ashley had told her earlier was really what was bothering the girl, Spencer at least felt somewhat relieved that she had been confided in to some degree.

A few hours had passed and Ashley had now woken up form their nap, wrapped up in Spencer's arms protectively. She slowly untangled herself and went into the bathroom.

Spencer woke up feeling around the bed for Ashley. Realizing the other girl was gone, she decided to get up and go look for her. As she made her way over to the bathroom, the door was opened and she saw Ashley standing in front of the sink just staring at the mirror. She stopped by the door to see if the brunette would notice, after another minuet concern overtook her and she went into the bathroom and wrapped her arms around her lover from behind.

"You okay?"

"Ashley?"

"What? Yeah, yeah morning baby."

"Ash, what's wrong? You were totally lost there, just staring off into the mirror."

"Just thinking I guess."

"You want to talk about it?"

"I feel like I'm losing you."

"What? How do mean, because last I checked, you had me and I'm not going anywhere."

"It's just this weird feeling. Like because I can't figure out whatever is bothering me, I'm pushing you away, and I'll eventually lose you if I can't talk to you."

"I may not like it Ashley, that you have trouble communicating some times, but that is never going to make me leave. I knew that about you before we got serious, and I know that no matter what, unless you really want me to leave, I will never leave you. And even then, it will be pretty hard to get me to go."

"I don't ever want you to leave me Spence, ever."

"Then I won't, it's settled."

The girls spent the rest of the morning lazily watching TV. Spencer didn't think Ashley was going to talk anymore, but she was surprised when the brunette broke the silence.

"Do they help?"

"Does what help?"

"The meds, do you think they really help?"

"Yes, I do. I mean it's not like I take the pill and then I'm happy, there's more to it than that, but yes I think they help. You also help me a lot too, and the fact that my mother isn't around as much so she isn't on my case as much, that helps a lot too. But mostly I think they are an aid to the other things that help me."

"Do you think that might be what's wrong with me? DO you think I need to be medicated?"

"I don't know. I do think maybe you need a little help, and maybe an anti-depressant may help you, maybe not. And you won't be medicated, you'll just be taking a little something to help even you out. If you really think that maybe you are depressed or its something along those lines, or something completely different, I'll be there every step of the way if you want me to."

"So you'll come to the doctor's with me?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

"Anytime baby, I'll always be here for you."

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End file.
